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In fact, at a recent fellowship dinner at Columbia Law School, a wealthy, white businessman told me that the biggest business problem occurring in America is the inability of black women to find [black] husbands.
And the company that most defines us is, in fact, our choice in a mate.That being said, a little about me: I am a Black man and widely regarded as well educated though down to earth.I am just now completing editing on my latest book about human nature.I knew that the Access Denied Pass did not extend to me – when I was in the “right” company, so shame on me for surrounding myself with such company, right? I still remember how I felt when I first dated a white man.I was welcomed into any space and important; we didn’t need to dress a certain way to prove our membership. The burden had been lifted; we wouldn’t get turned away at the door, in fact, we always skipped the line. I implicitly signaled to whites that I was mainstream, that I shared their middle-class values, that I was civilized – that I wasn’t angry, but safe and approachable. I realized I could choose whether or not my sons looked like Trayvon Martin, or my daughters like Marissa Alexander. The ease I was afforded became mitigated by the fact that my otherness amplified in increasingly white situations; while part of self-identification lies in perception, a portion rests in reality.We share a similar experience with fathers though for reasons of gender had a different effect. People are very much like ducklets in that we are impressionable and become imprinted at an early age to what we identify with. The question is owning up to that which has our name on it!
The little ducklet follows a hen believing her to be (the missing) mama etc. Secondly, the difference between "being" Black and "datng" Black is as you have discovered a matter of commitment; and commitment is the primary component of maturity. Thanks again for your articles and Best Wishes JST Thank you! You stated that you consciously choose to primarily date black men describing it as the "unequivocally more perfect union" over privilege. If the "playing field" were more equal in terms of sexual and racial politics regarding Black men would you feel the same? Hi Domevelo - I believe (as is probably apparent from this blog) in the feminist adage of the "personal is political" and vice versa.I choose to internalize their experiences of undervaluation, passed over promotions and emasculation.I choose to carry the burden of [dating] black men, and I choose it often; 90% of the men I’ve dated are black.The feelings I experienced that fateful night at the bar, and admittedly many times thereafter, now evoke the wise words of Malcolm X: “If you're not careful, the newspapers will have you hating the people who are being oppressed, and loving the people who are doing the oppressing.” Unpacking privilege and sorting through the complexities of racial and sexual politics as a bi-racial woman in white America can be a high task.Accepting that my seemingly personal decisions regarding who will occupy my company or my body, is a high task.I would just like to share a few comments that I hope will be as interesting for you as your article was for me.