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I printed out the steps so you can read them in case you don’t know what they are.I finally found a sponsor, and we will start meeting once a week on Tuesdays for lunch. He said they should take about a year to complete on average, but this can vary from person to person.
One way you can make your relationship with your wife go a little more smoothly is to keep her informed of what your recovery looks like and even allow her to be involved. Ask her what you can do to make her feel like she is a part of your recovery. If your wife is the one who sent you this article, don’t get upset or feel like she is trying to control you. The above examples of what wives want and deserve to know can feel daunting.When sex addicts are in early recovery, their wives (if they have chosen to stay in the marriage) live in fear. Your wife learned early on that she “didn’t cause it, can’t change it, and can’t control it.” So where’s the balance? Does that mean you can’t focus on your marriage at the same time? I’ve seen it happen enough to know it is possible, even in the direst of circumstances. Fear that you may lose your job because of a slip at work. But you are supposed to be in control of your recovery, right? Related: Life After Porn–5 Things My Husband Did to Rebuild Trust But if you can get rid of those toxic ideas, and recognize you are stronger than some may want you to think you are, your marriage can survive and even thrive!In the former, I lay out a point-by-point, logical case as to why women, in general, would be wiser to not sleep with men before commitment.In short, it sucks to sleep with a guy and see him looking for other women online the next morning. Even wives of sex addicts farther along in recovery may still be living in fear, or that old fear may creep up again, if you aren’t keeping her in the know about your recovery. Maybe not, and your marriage will suffer–or end–if this is the case.
If you are one of those who is taking recovery seriously you have probably received guidance from many individuals: therapists, sponsors, coaches, books, meetings, etc. It is important to remember that those who are there to help you through your personal recovery are not often marriage experts and some of their well-meaning marriage advice may hurt more than help. By putting your recovery first you are doing what is best for her. Ignore all advice that sounds anything like what I mentioned above–that “her side of the street” stuff. So, how do you let your wife in while respecting the anonymity of the group, while being able to feel safe in your counseling sessions without having to worry about having to go back and report everything that was said? Give her so much information that she doesn’t have to ask.When I give him space, he keeps coming around (think good old “why men love bitches” approach). So, unless you just want to use him for sex in return, cut things off with him and find yourself a guy who steps up to become your boyfriend in less than 6 weeks.We have really, really nice hook-ups but no sex yet (it’s been about 2.5 months) because he knows I only do that with men I’m committed to and he isn’t there (yet? It’s not too long to wait for sex and it’ll save you the trouble of waiting for this non-committal fool to step up the way you want him to. Are you incapable of being present in your marriage while doing recovery?It may feel like she is trying to take charge of your recovery.I’m a 34-year old woman living in New York City, looking for that great love.