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“You’re too big, man.” I should have known in the sixth grade, when my mom suggested that my 501s needed to go up a size or two now that I was, "Well, growing." Or in middle school, when a poorly concealed locker-room hard-on simultaneously outed me and earned me the nickname “Bludger.” Even after Coach’s one-man anti-bulge ukase, it wasn't until my first fumbling, beer-fogged college hookup that I finally got it. " "The legends are ." I have to cup my junk when I'm sitting on the toilet so my cock doesn't touch the bowl. I’m suspicious that anyone who is able to deepthroat me has undergone uvulopalatopharyngoplasty.

Becoming a cast member in "Puppetry of the Penis" is a legitimate career possibility. According to Kinsey's studies on average penis size, I'm three standard deviations above the mean – even when you account for the fact that gay guys have bigger tools, on average, than breeders – which means that if my cock were in the NBA, it'd be somewhere between Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Yao Ming.

But that's why God gave us big-breasted friends; an equally endowed girlfriend – whose gifts are a lot more in-your-face than mine – told me, “Size only matters if you let it matter.” And when you're considering getting in on this square-cut bathing suit fad.

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